Re: Wazzup homiez.
Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 9:18 pm
HC is pretty much necrotic at this point. I'm curious whose heads will roll and who is shitting their pants right now. If anyone of course. Denial seems to be a flowing river over there
A customer joins an internet forum.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this forum what I joined not half an hour ago on this very website.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Harmony Central Forums...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead forum when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable forum, the Harmony Central, idn'it, ay? Beautiful postings!
C: The postings don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(attempts to post a new thread)
'Ello, Mister Harmony Central Forum! I've got a lovely fresh Les Paul for you if you show...(owner hits the refresh button)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the refresh!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the refresh repeatedly) 'ELLO FORUMS!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock lulz call!
(Takes lock off of a thread. Throws up a quick post. No one responds.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead forum.
O: No, no.....No, internet's laggy!
C: LAGGY?!?
O: Yeah! You lagged it, just as people were postin' up! The internet lags easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That fprum is definitely deceased, and when I joined it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of activity was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged platform migration.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for vbulletin.
C: PININ' for VBULLETIN?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on his back the moment I clicked home?
O: The HC Forum prefers postin' on it's back! Remarkable forum, id'nit, squire? Lovely postings!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that forum when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its domain in the first place was that it had been PHOTOSHOPPED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was photoshopped there! If I hadn't photoshopped that home page, it would have been jammed with traffic, flooded with noobs, and crashing every 5 minutes.
C: "CRASHING"?!? Mate, this forum wouldn't "crash" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This forum is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't photoshopped 'im to the URL 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is Internet Protocol processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-FORUM!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of platforms.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a gear review.
(pause)
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's forum on ultimate guitar, he'll replace the forum for you.
C: Ultimate guitar, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
The customer enters the same forum. The owner is putting on a false moustache.
C: This is ultimate guitar, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Rig-Talk.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".
C: I wish to complain, Lithium Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these php files out to 200 lines, you know.
C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the ultimate guitar forum and found myself deposited here in Rig-talk.
A: No, this is HCAF.
C: (to the camera) The Harmony Cental man's brother was lying!!
A: Can't blame ultimate guitar forum for that.
C: In that case, I shall return to Harmony Central!
He does.
C: I understand this IS Harmony Central.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C: You told me it was Ultimate Guitar!
O: ...It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
O: Yeah, that's it!
C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Ultimate Guitar" would be "ratiug etamitlu"!! It don't work!!
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...
